God Helped Me Face My Fears Last Lent

Last year, I decided I was going to do something different for Lent. The previous three years I had attempted (and failed) to give up chocolate, which is my all-time favorite food. So last year I was determined to do something I knew I could stick with and follow through to the end.

I called it "Prayers & Pilates" - so catchy and Instagram-y! The idea was to wake up every morning and start off by saying a short morning prayer, followed by about ten minutes of Pilates. Healthy body, healthy soul, am I right?

Ha. God had different ideas.

The Sunday before Lent, I was at Mass in the crypt church underneath the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception, which is a beautiful space for contemplation. I was praying right after Communion, and I decided to run my Lent idea by God, certain that He'd be proud of me for picking something that would tangibly help both my prayer life and my physical well being. And proud He was, but He had a different idea.

"You should give up fear for Lent."

I was kind of shook. God almost never speaks to me directly - I've found that He usually speaks to me through other people, or events that happen. But I knew the little whisper across my heart was God. That being said, I laughed it off. I didn't need to give up fear. I wasn't afraid of anything. How would I even give up fear, anyway? You can't just give up fear, right?

As these thoughts flew across my mind one after another, I realized that perhaps I was afraid of some things; and the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was afraid of, well, a lot of things. I wasn't afraid in an anxiety-inducing way, either. I know what that feels like, and this wasn't it. This fear was incredibly subtle for the most part, covered up by my contentedness to live life as comfortably as possible. As long as I stayed in my comfort zone, I wasn't afraid. Anything outside my comfort zone, be it developing deep friendships (that requires vulnerability! I can't do that! Then they'll see my messiness!), performing for others (what if they don't like my music? I do, but they might not!), or taking chances (but what if I don't succeed?).

Yes, I had to admit to myself, I was afraid of a lot of things.

So I reluctantly "gave up fear." It changed my life.

I decided what God probably meant by nudging me to give up fear was to face the things I was afraid of and to do them anyway. Let me tell you, I found right away a million little fears I had to face just on Ash Wednesday alone, including realizing that my indecisiveness over picking what to eat for dinner was probably a symptom of my fear of choosing the wrong thing.

I began to face my fear of being vulnerable with others. The last deep friendship I'd had resulted in so much pain, and I didn't want that to happen again; but to live without love is hardly living at all. As C.S. Lewis says, "To love is to be vulnerable." That Lent was really when I can pinpoint when my friendships with my two best friends at college began to grow. My friendships with those two awesome, beautiful, God-loving women are now two of the most treasured relationships I have ever had in my entire life.

I faced my fear of rejection in the classical music world head on. I sent in application and audition recordings to three summer programs, one specifically for flute, one for chamber music, and one for orchestral experience. I got into the flute and chamber music programs and I was at the top of the waitlist for the orchestral program. If I hadn't given up fear for Lent, I wouldn't have sent in applications to any of them. When I went to those programs that summer, I could see God's hand in it so much. I grew in my independence, I grew as a musician, and I grew as a person in ways I wouldn't have been able to without those unique experiences.

I learned so much about myself that Lent. I learned that I wasn't okay living my life in my comfort zone, and I began to develop my love for adventure again. I also grew a lot in courage, as would be expected from facing my fears. I desperately needed that courage to get through a lot of things that have happened in the last several months. Most importantly, I realized that I needed to rely on God to work through my fears, and my relationship with Him developed so much more than it would have had I stuck with my original "Prayers & Pilates" idea.

This Lent, I'm gonna challenge y'all to allow God into your Lenten resolutions/decisions/whatever you like to call them. If you're stuck on what to ask Him for, try asking Him what virtue you need to grow in the most, and ask the Holy Spirit to inspire you in how you can best do that. God wants to use Lent to help you become the person He created you to be! Think of it like a fast-track to holiness. They say it takes 40 days to create a habit. Lent is 40 days. Is there a connection? I'd say so. There are no coincidences with God, after all. Maybe God wants you to work on the virtue of piety through developing a habit of getting up every morning a little earlier to say a rosary. Or maybe God wants you to work on the virtue of patience through, say, developing a habit of saying a Hail Mary every time you get impatient with someone. Or maybe, like me, God wants you to face your fears and develop the virtue of courage by "giving up fear."

So go on. Ask Him what He'd like you to do for Lent this year. His answer may surprise you, as it surprised me last year, but if you say yes to Him with your whole heart, your life will never be the same.