"Take delight in the Lord
And He will grant you your heart’s requests."
Psalm 37:4
Growing up as a cradle Catholic, I often assumed that I was doing enough to be considered a “good Catholic”. It was a rare week that I didn’t go to Mass at least once besides on Sunday, I said grace before meals, I went to the March for Life every year, and I didn’t really do anything that would put me in the category of being a problem child.
As a result, I fell into complacency for a very long time, something which I think is easy to do when you’re raised Catholic. It’s easy to go through the motions while pursuing what you want out of life and assume that it’s enough for God.
Here’s the thing, though. God doesn’t want you to just go through the motions, nor does He want you to leave Him out of your life’s ambitions. He wants to be an active part of your life.
Being a child of two musicians, music has always been in my life. I started playing violin when I was four, and later switched to flute when I was eleven. Eventually the routines of practicing my instrument every day grew into a very necessary emotional outlet for me, and I began to fall in love with music. I ended up as a flute performance major at The Catholic University of America, and within a few months I decided I wanted to pursue a career as an orchestral flutist.
This choice turned out to be very demanding on my whole life. To succeed I would need to practice at least four hours a day, go to the top summer orchestra festivals (which are the orchestral musician’s equivalent of an internship), audition for and get into a top school such as Juilliard or Curtis for my graduate work, and then audition, and audition, and audition for jobs (which are few and far between).
I set my mind to doing this and in terms of my career I began to thrive, but it came at a cost. I hardly had a personal life outside of seeing my roommates and my phone calls to my mom, and my faith life was the same as it had always been: complacent. Often I felt a twinge in my heart begging me to bring my desire for an orchestral career to God, and so often I wondered if perhaps God created me for more; but I always ignored it, afraid that I would find God was calling me to something outside of the dreams I’d created for myself.
God was pursuing me through this whole time, as He always does. He so dearly wants us to pursue a relationship with Him. He wants our hearts, and He will do whatever it takes to win our hearts for Himself. For me, it took two concussions, an appendectomy, laparoscopic surgery to diagnose and treat endometriosis, and a very severe case of carpal tunnel before I found myself sitting atop a brick wall outside of the music school, looking up at the beautiful Basilica of the Immaculate Conception glowing against the strange purplish-red of the DC night sky, and asking, “God, do you not want me to do the very thing that’s been on my heart for so long?”
It’s been over four months since I asked that question, and I still don’t know the answer. It’s possible He might still want me to be an orchestral flutist, and if He does, I know He will give me peace and joy about it, but at the moment I’m not sure what God wants me to do with my life. I’m beginning to think there likely will be no a-ha moment, but rather a series of little moments when the puzzle pieces begin to fall together. That being said, ever since I chose to actively include God in all the decisions of my life, regardless of how big or how small they are, my life has suddenly begun to bloom. I’ve allowed myself to give my heart to God - or at least, begin that process of giving it to Him - and He has enriched my life in countless ways.
One of the most beautiful things that has come of this is that by giving to God the desire I’d created for my life, He has shown me desires deep within my heart that I never knew I had; and not only that, but He granted some of these desires before I even knew I had them. He has allowed my best friend from high school and I to renew our friendship, and He has given me two best friends at college who push me towards Him each and every day. I gave God my heart, and He’s given me a more beautiful life than I could ever have imagined.
Even more beautiful than this is that now that I have actively chosen to allow God to be present in my life, I’ve found that I want to pursue a relationship with Him: I want to go to Mass, I want to spend time in prayer with Him, I want to glorify Him in all that I do. Loving God feels less and less of an obligation, and becomes more and more a source of joy in my life.
I won’t lie, giving your heart to God is a difficult choice. It involves a willingness to love sacrificially, since you’re giving your heart - an incredibly vulnerable part of you - which by no means is easy. I have to consciously make the choice to give my heart to God over and over throughout each and every day because selfishness is attached to my heart, thanks to original sin.
It's also a process. You will mess up. You will forget to choose to give your heart to Him, but that’s okay. He sees your efforts. He’s loved you since He first thought of you, long before He created the stars. Just the mere fact that you’re trying to choose Him makes Him so excited. Isn't that so beautiful? The God who created the stars has been deeply in love with you since before the beginning of time.
Giving your heart to God is worth it. It’s hard, and it’s a messy process, and your life may not seem any better at first; but let me tell you, my friend, when you give your heart to God, it will make life so much easier to bear.
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